My experience with plant medicine

Just over a month ago I was in Costa Rica at a beautiful resort called Finca Austria that overlooked a valley of lush green mountains. The view was spectacular. I was staying in a shared house in the jungle with strangers who would later become friends. At that time I was wrestling with the idea that I needed to change something deep inside of me. I needed to find out what was ‘wrong’ with me. Why do I feel so restless? Why do I have a two year itch? 2023 was a year of heartbreak, a slew of bad dates, being violated in my own home, death, and dealing with some horrible people. My heart was hardening.

I always wanted to try ayahuasca but I was afraid of the idea of shitting and puking in front of strangers. I knew that I had to be on a special diet of no alcohol or drugs two weeks before ceremony. When I got the email to join this group in Costa Rica I had been off weed for two months and off alcohol for over three years. When the retreat was to take place it would be on my four year sober anniversary of November 11th. That’s when I knew this was my call to the medicine. This would be a memorable time, especially if I shit myself.

I have done mushrooms more than a handful of times, like, a lot. I have surrendered to hallucinogens and had deep epiphanies about my life. I was ready for the next level. I was ready for a retreat in the wilderness surrounded by open minded people. I was ready to meet myself. I was ready to meet mother aya and have her speak some sense into me. I was ready. So I set up an introductory call with the facilitator, Pattie, I put down my deposit and I counted down the days that I would be in Costa Rica.

On November 8th I was in a shuttle driving from the airport to Nosara with several other attendees. The three hour drive was a spiritual awakening in itself. The last hour was especially unnerving because we were driving on unpaved roads with no 4 wheel drive and getting stuck in potholes filled with rain. Several times the group thought it would be better to get out and lighten the load but the driver persevered. The final part of this journey was a doozy, there was an enormous mountain the vehicle had to climb, but on the top of that mountain was our home for the next few days, Finca Austria, we were almost there! I don’t know how many times I yelled ‘giver, bud’ in the most canadian accent I could muster. It seemed to work, we made it!

The retreat was split into people who stayed in the villa on the top of the mountain and people who stayed in a shared space at the bottom in the jungle, I stayed in the jungle. Every morning we had to climb that monster hill and every night after drinking the medicine we had to decend, it felt like forever. One time as we climbed up the mountain the vehicle was really struggling and we started going backward down the hill. The driver stopped and asked us all to the sit in the very back of the shuttle and we started to ascend again. Saved by the booty gains!

The entire retreat was absolutely amazing . The food was prepared by a private chef who created nutritious meals from locally sourced farmers and markets. The environment was beautiful. The hostels in the jungle were surrounded by lush forest. We had a small pool and and outdoor shower. At the back of our villa there was a covered pergola that overlooked the mountains and a river. The sound of the river was peaceful, it was a serene place to sit and journal. The villa on the top of the mountain was stunning. It overlooked the entire valley. There was an infinity pool and a hammock, and the view from that hammock was the best I have ever seen…so far.

Then there was the sacred medicine space. It was a large covered outdoor space, twinkle lights hung from the ceiling, tropical flowers, plants, and large trees surrounded the outskirts. I watched a hummingbird eat from a flower and another time I saw a family of monkeys swing from tree to tree. There was a grassy knoll and a steep hill, we were warned not to get close to that hill when on the medicine. Good call. When we entered the space we were told to stay silent, we were entering ceremony. Our mattresses were laid out in a semi circle facing the shamans (who don’t like being called shamans). I always made sure my mattress was right next to the small grassy knoll so I could ground myself in nature. Our mattresses were accompanied by a pillow, a blanket, tissues, paper towel and a puke bucket. Here we go.

There were three nights of ceremony. The first two nights started at 7pm and went until about midnight. The last night started at 11pm and went until sunrise. During ceremony you take two cups of the medicine. The ‘shamans’ talk for a bit, play some music and we are cleansed. We all line up to receive our first cup. Maybe an hour or two later (what is time) you take the second cup or not, it is up to you. I took the second cup all three nights. I bought the ticket, so I am taking the ride. I can safely say that I did not have a bad experience. I know a few people who did. Some people had a bad first night and didn’t want to participate again. But they persevered and were happy to have done so. I know this because after every ceremony we do a integration circle the next morning where we discuss our experiences.

What I experienced was so profoundly special that I don’t want to put it all out there for the world to read but I will share some important highlights. After the first night my bunk mate and I expressed how good we felt. We felt like it was like a beautiful introduction to the medicine, ayahuasca was building trust with us. During the first night I was so enamoured with my feet. I was convinced they were having a love affair. I would rub them together like a cricket under my blankets and get all giddy. It felt like the beginning of a relationship where you can’t get enough of each other. I was obsessed. I tell this story to my bunkmate and we are just laughing and having a grand ol’ time. After we explain our experiences she says that she is nervous about the second night, ‘What if it’s not as good as the first night. What if we experience a bad trip like some of the others’. I start getting nervous too. Then I stop and say, “but what if it gets better? What is if gets better than we can even imagine?”

The second night was more powerful. I felt like it was my ‘dark night of the soul’ but nothing I couldn’t handle. There were moments of sadness, remembering things of my past that I was holding onto. During this time the music that was playing started to get dark, I could feel energy moving through my body. It was trapped in my stomach and starting to make its way up, I peeled myself off the mattress and leaned into my bucket. I wasn’t purging food, I was purging energy. I have had stomach issues for years, anxiety belly is real. This is what was moving through me. Food anxiety. Social anxiety. Worry. All of this was coming to the surface. I was releasing. It wasn’t awful like I had feared, I felt neutral, I felt relieved. It felt right. Once that sensation had past I started crying out of happiness. I walked through the fire and I was on the other side. I was rewarded. I was rewarded with so much beauty and love that words cannot express the magnitude of it all. It’s like I got fucked by the universe and it was the best sex I have ever had.

The next day at integration when it came time for me to share, I started crying. I couldn’t get words out. They had to skip past me. I was crying tears of joy and happiness. I have never felt such unconditional love before now. It was potent. When my turn came back around I told the story I had told you, about talking with my bunkmate about how good it can get. And it’s true. It can be better than you could ever imagine and I lived it. We are conditioned to believe the worse, to protect ourselves at all costs. We look for danger because it is in our biology. We are no longer running from saber tooth tigers so maybe we can learn to chill. Maybe we can start expecting the best possible outcome. Maybe instead of thinking fearful thoughts about the future we think of the best possible outcome. What if it gets worse? No, my darling, what if it gets better than you could ever imagine?!

The third night was the all nighter and it wasn’t as strong as the previous two nights but it was rewarding. I didn’t want to sleep because I wanted to be in the magic of it all. The message that came to me was that I didn’t need to change anything about myself. I am perfect the way I am. I am constantly trying my best and that’s all I have to do. There is nothing inherently wrong with me. I am pure love. I radiate joy. I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much potential to do anything I want to and more. My life is absolutely wonderful. Even when there is hardship, I perservere. I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I chose this life, this body. I am a soul having a human experience and it has never been more clear. I am treating my vessel with the utmost respect. It’s as simple as slowing down when I eat and chewing my food well. It’s taking a moment to be grateful before I eat. It’s being mindful and present in each and every moment. Do not ruminate about the past or obsess about the future. Everything happens when it is suppose to happen, there is no rush. A Lao Tzu quote I love, “nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished”.

The most difficult part of this trip was coming home. My flight home was an absolute shitshow. It shook me awake to the reality of the world. I was in the aisle seat and a couple sat next to me. A 70 year old Indian man sat on my lap trying to avoid the drink cart passing by. Some woman handed my a piece garbage off the ground and when I said it wasn’t mine she put it at my feet. I was sitting in between two families who had 8 kids between them. I might as well have been sitting in between a chaotic kindergarten classroom. It was unruly. After making WTF eyes to the guy next to me we started talking. Him and his wife had flown to Costa Rica a month earlier and said that on their flight some guy some smuggling drugs up his butt. They must of exploded because he was tripping out. It took six people to apprehend him and zip tie him to a chair. The plane made an emergency landing in Atlanta and the man was taken away. Okay, so comparatively my flight wasn’t that bad. When I finally got into my bed that night my feet started rubbing together, I was brought back to that first night with ayahuasca. I felt giddy all over again.

I didn’t work for a few days after the trip so I could just chill. It was nice to stay home and marinate on the experience. However; the overcast of Toronto and the reality of the world dawned on me and I slipped into a sad state. The news is horrific. Mainstream media lies. People are afraid of real love. This world is going to hell in a handbasket. What is this life?! Ugh. I think everyone in power should do ayahuasca or MDMA or mushrooms or something that reminds them that they are human and vessels of love and light and not hate and destruction. UGH! And then I grab my journal and reread what I wrote over those three days of plant medicine and as Celine Dion sings, “it’s all coming back to me nooowwww”

I am the vessel of love and light. It is my responsibility to show up in my highest good. I should love without conditions and expectations. The ones who stick around will be worthy and the ones that don’t, well you can keep all the love I gave you…you probably need it more than me. I am so full of love that I am overflowing with it. The world can be a shitty place but it can also be the most magical, beautiful, expansive, wonderful place of all time! Think of sunsets! Think of baby animals! Think of your feet having a love affair and you’re the only one who knows it! My life is joyful and silly and creative and uniquely mine! I wish for all people on this big beautiful planet to feel that way about their lives. You don’t have to sit with medicine to do that. You can feel it right now, through a memory of laughter or a great piece of music. You can feel so fully alive that you’re changing the frequency of the world! What an exciting thought. What an exciting life. I am so in love with my life.

So long story short (ha!) I would absolutely do it again. 10/10 would recommend.