Italian Joe

It was a seven month situationship that started off with a surprisingly romantic tagline: Italian man takes me to the Opera...but first, tacos. He picked me up on our first date. As always I gave a different address. Safety first, ladies. At that time I was living down a narrow alley in Lisbon. I picked a spot further down the alley where you can kind of linger, but not for long. When he drives up, he rolls down his window at the same time. He sits in his car and welcomes me with his big blue eyes. I stunned him. 

I said hi, and then I stood there, waiting for him to get out of the car…

and then I said, ‘are you going to open the door for me?’

He jumped out of that car so fast…like it didn’t even dawn on him that he should open my door.

He gets out of the car and runs around quickly to open the passenger door. 

I saw him in his entirety and I was like…hmm, not sure. 

I hop into the passenger side, put my seatbelt on and take a good look at his profile. All I see are tufts of back hair curling out of his shirt. I was grossed out. It’s not my thing. 

Once I remember seeing my best friend shaving her man’s back in a hotel washroom and I could puke everywhere. Imagine all the body hair and pubes you would find in your washroom at all times. No. 

BUT I am also doing this whole, give-a-guy-a-chance-thing, so I let it go.

We had good chats on the drive to the restaurant and good chats at the delicious Mexican restaurant, Carnal in Lisbon. (The deep fried shrimp taco is gluten free and incredible!!)

He grew up in Italy, went to school in California, started surfing there and never stopped. Now he lives in Ericeira (a town I love). We have a similar sense of humour and interests. It’s a vibe. We started talking about art. He wanted to show me his artwork on Instagram, so I sat next to him to look at his phone and DANGER. 

I must have been ovulating because his pheromones were enough to make me sit on his face. Any judgement I had about the tufts of back hair went out the window. At this point, let me run my fingers through that back hair, yes daddy.

We left the restaurant and were walking back to his car, he grabbed my hand and said he didn’t want the date to end. 

Awe. 

He asked if I wanted ice cream. Obviously, yes. 

So we walked to this lovely look out in Lisbon called Miradouro de São Pedro de Alcântara and had ice cream. I could tell he was feeling hesitant or nervous, that’s when I looked at him and said, “Do you want to make out?” A classic line of mine.  

It was a nice kiss, nothing outrageous, which I like for a first kiss. Keep it cute and let’s see if we get butterflies. The kiss was calm, and nice, and steady. I’m interested to see where this goes. We chatted some more and then I was ready to go home. He dropped me off at the correct address and then we started making out, it was hot. 

You know when a guy grabs you by the back of the neck and then moves his hand up the skull and kinda grabs your hair, ouff…It was so hot. Our make out sessions were always amazing. At that point he was like, you gotta get out of the car. I smiled coyly and slid out of the car. “Caio” and closed the door with a naughty smile on my face.

Well that was a surprising turn of events. 

Our second date was the Opera. He picked me up, we were both dressed nicely. I was wearing a little black dress, a sporty version, tight with the racerback shoulders. He couldn't stop touching me and rubbing my leg telling me how smooth my skin is. We have dinner before the show, he asks me what I want, I say sushi. We went straight to a delicious sushi restaurant. I played the three question game with him. 

The three question game goes like this: what is your favourite colour and three reasons why. What is your favourite animal and three reasons why. And what is your favourite body of water and three reasons why. 

The semi-psychological aspect of that is the following: 

Your favourite colour represents you and how you feel or look at yourself. Your favourite animal is what you look for in a partner. Your favourite body of water is your sensuality and sexuality.  

He answers: Blue, Pig, Ocean. It took some proding to get the three reasons why but he got there. Most of the answers were reasonable except the ocean. He started talking about how he likes floating out there all alone and I was like, well that's kinda depressing…perhaps foreshadowing his future sex life.  

We finish up at the restaurant and head to the opera. He stops me outside of the restaurant and we share a passionate kiss. You know you like someone when you can stand their tongue down your throat after eating raw fish. He’s been waiting to do that all evening long.

It was one of those kisses where you feel like there is nobody else watching. When we emerged from our little make out bubble we realized that we were standing in front of an entire family eating sushi in the restaurant that we just left. oops. 

We arrived at the opera. We are sitting in the very, very, very very verrrrrryyyy front row. It's almost uncomfortable. The host of the event comes out and speaks about the event and how delighted they are to host the Vienna Opera in Portugal. The host pulls out a chocolate and says that this is a welcome gift to anyone who wants it. I jump up immediately, of course I am in the front row so I get first dibbs. 

The show was amazing, I loved every moment of it. 

At one point the male singer was singing some kinda song about something (it was in a different language, I dunno) and he unveiled a stuffed pig from his jacket. I look to Italian Joe to be like, omg it's a sign! You said pig earlier in the three question game and the tenor is holding a pig! Crazy! Oink fucking oink, amiright??

He just looked at me like a dumb girl. Of course it’s not that deep. 

As we were pulling out of the parking lot Italian Joe asked if I mind that he smokes…I don’t…it's so common here. He pulls over and starts rolling a smoke. He asks if he’s driving me home or if I want to go back to his place. I went back to his place. He drove like a maniac. 

We walked in the door and I knew it was all going to happen so fast. I tried to slow it down by asking for a glass of water. The moment I put my glass back on the kitchen counter we locked eyes and inched closer to each other. We made out just like we made out earlier in front of the family, only this time, the clothes were being ripped off. 

If you want to read all the spicy details you can subscribe to my Former Lovers spicy blog page. 

After that date I leave for Canada, he goes to Italy. I tell him I hope he doesn’t meet anyone else, and he says the same thing to me. 

We meet up again a month later, it's electric. He told me that he has to go back and forth to Italy for work and that he can't commit to anything serious because he might have to go back to Italy full time and his life is kinda up in the air. I was cool with that because he was upfront. 

I decided that I should continue to date other people so I don’t get so hung up on this guy. Italian Joe and I would continue with these back and forth random play dates for seven months. The sex was too good and even though I continued to date other people, I only had sex with him. 

Actually at one point I cut it off with him, knowing it wasn’t going anywhere, only to go back ten days later during my ovulation phase. Goddammmitittt. Then we were back talking again. I even tattooed him. Another man I left my permanent mark on, teehee. 

Then I was going through a rough patch in Lisbon. My apartment was too expensive and the construction happening next door was a nightmare. I needed to make a change. I went over to his place for the weekend because I needed a hug and some love to get my mind off things. 

Around that time he would send an Uber to come pick me up and bring me back to his. At first it was because his car was in the shop and then as it progressed he would send Ubers out of laziness. The uber is a 45min drive from Lisbon to Ericeira. During that 45mins, the driver was telling me how expensive everything has gotten in Lisbon. He was going on and on about how it's impossible to live in Portugal now. He kept complaining…making me feel like I should move out of Portugal. 

Italian Joe was waiting for me when I got out of the Uber. I was a sad girl. I immediately cuddled into his arms and I told him I wanted to lay down the couch while he held me so I can cry...and I did. It was really nice.

When we were holding each other on the couch I whined: I hate this.

He said, “no you don’t, you love it”. Referring to me crying into his arms. 

I said, “you’re right, it's nice". And he agreed. 

After that weekend I started to feel better. I told my friends how Italian Joe really showed up for me when I needed it. I think we are getting closer. A month after that vulnerable moment we shared on the couch, I attended Date with Destiny, Tony Robbin’s 6 day transformation event. During this event there is a day that is dedicated to relationships. I was ready to see if I have learned anything from last year’s event. 

Turns out, I did not. lolz

I did notice my repeated habit of avoidance.

Hello my name is Sinéad and I am a recovering avoidant. 

So I figured it was time to lean into this and do the opposite. I decided to be vulnerable with Italian Joe. I said, “I miss you. I hope everything is going well in Italy, can’t wait to see you again.”

I never said that to him before. Our texting was always shallow and distant. Maybe it was time to see that if I changed my approach, he would too. 

He didn’t respond. 

24hrs later I double texted: “ I sent you a vulnerable text and I hear nothing back…it’s like, what are we even doing here?”

He responds: “I would have responded eventually. I am under a lot of pressure at work and I don't need anymore so maybe we should call it quits.”

I guess I’ll go fuck myself then.

I never responded.

And I never heard from him again.