Viral Joe

The beginning of my dating blog has kicked off in an incredible way. I went viral on both Tiktok and Instagram and this story is where it started. This is the story of Viral Joe. Our first date started off horribly. Viral Joe offered to take me out for sushi, he also offered to pick me up. I said yes to both. I dropped a location pin a block away from where I live (safety first) and he sent his driving location status from google maps into the messages on Hinge. (I don’t give out my number until I meet you in person)

I kept my phone open on the app to watch his lil emoji drive along the map. As I kept that page open I booped around my house cleaning. I would occasionally look at my phone to see his status and it looked like he was stuck on the bridge. I closed the screen to message him and make a comment about how shitty the traffic can be and he had already come and gone!! Shit!

He messaged me to give me a 3 min arrival warning, and then sent a message when he arrived. Then he sent a voice memo saying he’s waited for 15mins and now he is going to the restaurant. My heart sank! I felt so bad. I HATE being late or keeping people waiting. 

I had a hair washing shower for this date, I looked super cute, I cannot let this blow out go to waste. I texted him a billion ‘I am so sorry’s’, ordered an uber and asked him to order me some green tea, because I was on the way! He told me that the restaurant was on the second floor but because of my anxiety of being late I forgot that information and ran around the building nearly walking into the back door of a kitchen for another restaurant. 

Where the fuck is this place? I walked back out and saw the sign that I had completely ignored in my anxious state. I took a breath, walked up the stairs, and walked in like a flustered baby girl. I didn’t even introduce myself. He calmly introduced himself and laughed over the way I expressed my remorse like we had been friends forever. I was not smooth, I was chaos. But I think that’s what men want…even when they say they don’t. Cute and chaotic energy. Ha!

I sat down and collected myself, the tea was the perfect temperature. We discussed Portuguese history, which is great! I love learning. You can tell me the story five million times, eventually it will stick. He told me about Portugal’s April Liberdade Day but then he told me that after that day, a bunch of commies came in and stole a bunch of shit. So in actuality November 25th is when the real democracy happened nearly a year and a half later. And that’s the really important day that no one celebrates (don’t say I never taught you anything). 

Anyways he said he was boring me and I said ‘no, tell me more I always wanted to go on Jeopardy. I need all the knowledge I can get’. He told me that the commies stole his father’s business and he never got it back. He told me about the workers rights in Portugal and that it is impossible to get fired here. He told me that the people of Portugal love to protest close to a holiday so they get an extra day off. I enjoyed the history lesson.

Viral Joe told me a bit about himself and when I started asking deeper questions he joked that I was like a therapist. I said I am. I will be charging him 200 euro for this ‘date’, that was actually set up by his ex wife. A joke, of course. He said he wanted to know more about me and I said, well ask me a question…he asked why I chose to live in Portugal. I said because I am training to be a surf babe. I got the babe part down, I just need to get better at surfing. 

We stayed at the restaurant until after it was closed. He paid for dinner and didn’t assume I was paying half…thank god. We left the restaurant, walked around and chatted some more. He said we should see if another place was still open. We got into this Mercedes Benz convertible and drove over to a beach club which was closing in ten minutes. He told me he was going to take me there on a second date. In my head I was like, das nice. We already have a second date planned. We looked at the beach and chatted for ten minutes and then the server asked us to leave. 

We drove back to mine and the conversation was so good we did two extra laps. Turns out we have a lot of the same values and ideas about the world. GREEN FLAG! 

Here is his deal: he has three kids, two from his first marriage and one from his second relationship. He has a good relationship with his first but not his second and he wouldn’t get into details about it…that where the therapist comment came in…he is seemingly well off but a nice car means nothing to me. Some of these men out here are living outside of their means so they can look a certain way. I don’t think you actually know how well off a man is until you ask him to buy you a designer bag…what face does he make when you say Birkin?

Now it is 1am and it is wayyyy past my bedtime. He gets out of the car to open my door and let me out. We hug, he is not 5’9 like it says on his dating profile. He is 5’5 and I am fine with a short king because I am only 5’3. I kiss him on the cheek and then we have an eye lock moment and he goes in for the kill…literally. Killed the vibe with his tongue out all willy nilly. 

NOOOOOOO. Get back in your mouth.. Ugh whyyyyyy? Why cant we have a nice lil kiss without it turning into a slop fest. So messy. 

I pulled away, said, ‘too much’ and thanked him for the night. He pulled me back in saying, how am I supposed to go home now?

I thought, back in your fancy car, sir! That's how.

As he got back into his car I thanked him for the nice evening and said I look forward to our next date…which I am…but also hoping that next time the kiss could be a little more chill.

I know someone who married a bad kisser, I think they might be trainable..? They can learn the art of kissing without using sooo much stabby tongue. There will be a second date because I wanna know about the ex baby mama drama. Do you think that you can train a 55 year old man to kiss differently? 

Viral Joe was very eager to see me the next day and the day after that but I already had plans. It was nice to have a man text and tell me he wants to see me again right away. Much different energy than the situation ships of my past. He followed up and checked in. I personally am not a texting person. I am a pick up and call me person so when people want to chat over text all day, it does nothing for me. 

One of my exes would text me alllll day long. At this time I was tattooing all day long and I would pick up my phone at the end of the shift and have anywhere from 30-60 texts. He literally would test every sentence as a text, my battery life did not last long in that relationship.

Anyways Viral Joe and I had our first date on a Thursday and planned another for the following Tuesday. We chatted every day and then on that Tuesday I heard nothing from him. Tuesday is the day I venture over to Lisbon to work at my EFT Tapping Space so I thought it would be very convenient to meet up with him for dinner after my shift. 

Before my shift I met up for lunch with my friend who said DO NOT TEXT THAT MAN. We are not chasing men about plans. So I let it be. After my shift I still hear nothing so I take the ferry across back home. As I am walking through the small town thinking about my relationships of the past wondering if they all failed because I hate texting, a bird swoops down and covers me in shit…literally from head to toe. I am stunned. Frozen. It’s like the bird had a squirt bottle of shit and decided to cover me in it. It was unbelievable how much shit covered my body.

I walked to the tattoo shop to clean myself off. Everyone said it was good luck so I went to buy a scratch ticket with the shit soaking through my pants. I did not win the lottery that day. 

I get home, take off all my clothes in the front door and jump in to have the longest shower of my life. 

When I get out of the shower I receive this text from Viral Joe: 

Dear Sinéad, hi! We had a dinner more or less arranged for tonight. It's 19h so it is a bit late to organise something, of course. I'll be staying at home. I also understand the enthusiasm isn't there and therefore I also don't want to force anything as it doesn't make sense whatsoever. So.... I believe this might be a kind of farewell. It was very nice to meet you, truly. Maybe some other time or under different circumstances things might end up running in a different direction. We'll never know...Sending you my best wishes! - Viral Joe

What?

I thought, okay…am I getting broken up with or is this man having a tantrum because I didn’t text him today. I responded:

Oh weird, I thought we had a great first date. I also said I was looking forward to our date tonight...so I don't know what you mean by enthusiasm? I guess you mean that on your end? Sorry to hear that as well. I thought you were into me…You never reached out to plan anything so I understand now, thanks for not ghosting me.

He writes: No I didn't. True. Because I didn't feel interest. Like mentioned. No ghosting. That's horrible. I'm here.

I respond to him by responding to my own text from two days earlier. The earlier text said: Looking forward to dinner on Tuesday!

So ‘reposting’ that to him and saying: Does this seem like lack of interest?

He tells me he’s confused and now maybe he is the one who is ghosting.

I agree with him. lolz

We continue to text back and forth.

I assure him I still want to spend time with him, I tell him that it’s too early to be sending him videos and photos of myself, even though I love when he does that… I genuinely do. He looks sexy. He said that he is leaving Friday for a two week trip with his kids and the only time we can meet each other is late Wednesday night. I worked until 8pm and he said he could be ready for 10pm. I agree to it.

That night as I wait to meet him I relax by watching a True Crime documentary on Netflix about a woman who fakes a pregnancy and then murders her friend and tries to steal her baby, its FUCKING WILD. Anyways, I almost missed his message again because my phone volume is never on. I called him back and he said that he can come pick me up but it might be another 30mins OR he can order me an Uber to pick me up and drive me to meet him. I chose that action because I needed to get out of my house or I was about to fall asleep. 

The Uber picks me up and as we drive closer to his place I am watching where I am going just in case I need to make an escape. I am dropped off in the oldest neighborhoods in Lisbon. There is a 700 year old church on the end of his street and he starts telling me about all the history and I lock in. Our entire drive is a history lesson and I loved every moment of it. 

Viral Joe took me to a look out point that I hadn't been to before. It was really nice, the moon looked insane! It had just been a new moon a few nights ago so the moon was a sliver in the sky on the way to his place and then when we were at the look out it had turned orange and red and disappeared behind the city lights. The moon feels so much closer here. 

We drove a little bit longer and then he took me to our final stop which is a church that the king hid in before he snuck off to Brazil. Fascinating. Seeing the kids outside of these places smoking and vaping and taking selfies on their phones…it’s amazing how far we have come in the last 100 years. 

We drove back to mine, he parked, and shared a few nice chill kisses. I got out of the car and so did he. We hugged for a while, rubbing each other’s backs. I know he can't get enough of me. He’s off to the US to see the World Cup with his two kids and we won't see each other for two weeks. His birthday was coming up in June…a Gemini. I told him I would send a cute picture of myself for his birthday. I am so thoughtful and generous. HA! 

Dear former lover girls, we aren’t out here doing girlfriend acts for people we are just getting to know. No photos! 

During the world cup he was sending me videos and staying in touch, I sent him a selfie on his birthday. He had a weird way of flirting where I would send kissy face emojis and he would say, ‘where?’ and I would ignore it lol then one time I said, on the tip of your nose.

I could puke everywhere. 

He got back from the world cup…it's my birthday. I got a passive text message from him all it said was: all good? I say, ‘Yup! Just enjoying my Birthday!’ He sent me a video apologizing saying he didn't realize that it was my birthday. It was a nice video, but still from our one conversation, I remembered his birthday. I specifically said to him, when you get back from your trip it will be my birthday as well!

Once he gets back he doesn’t follow up or try to make a single plan to hang out again. The day after he came back from his trip, he said he had injured himself playing soccer and is now walking around on crutches. Brutal.

A few days later I was at work and around 3pm he asked, “What time are you finished work?” I assume he is asking me because he wants to see me. I tell him 8pm. Then five hours later he texts back, 8:40pm he asks me, what are you up to? He said he had stumbled upon a new bar and sent me a video.

What? I didn’t get this text until after my shower where I had just washed my face thinking I was staying in for the night.

I thought he was on crutches? I told him to have fun but I wish he had asked to make plans five hours earlier.

All of this drama happened on July 5th and that’s when I posted my little rant about him on Tiktok and woke up to this:

WILD. If you want to see the TikTok for yourself you can visit it here.

Monday morning I text him:

Hi Viral Joe, I am disappointed that you haven’t made a proper date with me. Actions speak louder than words.

He says: me too, have to say. I am leaving to Spain this Wednesday. It doesn’t leave us much time. Saturday was a misfortune. When would you be free in the following days?

I said: I think I have seen enough to know that this isn’t something I am interested in entertaining anymore. It’s too bad. Good luck out there.

The amount of comments I received on that viral video that said they wouldn’t have given this man a chance after the first passive aggressive Tuesday date fiasco was wild, am I reallllyyy giving these men that many chances??

Regardless, and annoyingly, it all happens for a reason. Had I not met him and had this sequence of events, my blog never would have kicked off the way it has, and for that I am thankful. I don’t want to come from a place of man bashing but more of curiosity. People are interesting and I want to meet them. Oh and I genuinely want to find my best friend, a lover man who wants to add to my life, not take away.

I have started sharing my stories online because of the community and the comments. Some of you women are truly so funny and I love seeing your thoughts. Knowing that we are in this together will heal us. I see you and I love you! Maybe that bird shitting on me was lucky after all.