Pro clown joe

I went on a date with a professional clown. He literally went to clown college. He’s been clowning for over twenty years. I matched with him on Hinge. The job title on his profile said ‘digital clown’. I was thinking he works for some corporate bullshit job and he is calling himself a clown. I can get with that. Fuck the matrix. As I scrolled down on his profile, I gotta be honest, a few of his profile pictures made him look like clowning could be a possibility.

One of his photos can be described like this: a man in his late 40’s sitting on the street. He is wearing a hat that you don’t often see people wear, unless they are a creative type. He is wearing slacks with suspenders and a white shirt. He has long salt and pepper hair, kinda curly. He looks like he could be begging for money or just sitting outside a bar chatting with friends. 

The voice memo on his profile was him singing ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ with the ukulele. It was very cute. 

During our chats on Hinge he told me that he currently lived out of his van. I almost didn’t meet up with him because of this. I thought maybe it was a misunderstanding or a language barrier thing; he is Italian. I figured I should meet up with him in person to get to the bottom of this. I was intrigued by him and he low key reminded me of my ex. Around this time I had decided to take my blog seriously; I figured I’ll meet up with a digital clown for the plot. Honestly, if I didn’t have the blog I probably would have bailed. 

I met up with him close to a ferry port. I was late because I was still undecided on whether I wanted to meet him or not. When I noticed him I walked up but he was facing away from me; he already reminded me of my ex. When he turned around, I saw his blue eyes and kind smile. I was like, YUP. 

His long salt and pepper hair pulled back in a bun. He’s dressed casually but put together. He looks like he knows how to build a fire. He turns around and smiles. He has a charming appearance and sparkly eyes. I am drawn to him. He sort of looked like a clown.

I had disappointed him with my earlier messages judging him about living in a van…he knew how I felt, I’m not holding back. I don’t like the idea that a fifty year old man doesn't have a home address. He explained his living situation with me. He told me that he lives between two places, a place in Sesimbra and a place in Sintra. When he isn't staying in either of those places, he is living out of his van because he is a street performer. Hmmm.

After we walk for a while he offers to buy us dinner. I could eat. We sat down at a small restaurant also known as a tasca. As per google, ‘a tasca is a family run Portuguese eatery known for unpretentious home styled cooking’… and honestly, the best fish you’ll have in Lisbon. We ordered an entire plate of different fish and a few boiled potatoes for 35euro, it’s amazing. I asked him to debone it for me. He did, my fave. We closed the entire place down. Literally the last people there; they turned the lights off on us…twice. 

Even with the language barrier there were good vibes between us. I think you have to be a certain kinda magical person to live as a street busker and bring joy to people. He truly lived outside the matrix. I can respect that but I don’t really agree with it. I find it more rewarding when you can contribute to society in meaningful ways that involve being in a system. I will say F the system all day long but at the same time I believe we can feed the machine in a positive way that helps our fellow humans thrive.  

As we were leaving the place I asked him if he drove his van to meet me and he said yes. I told him I wanted to see the van. He didn’t want to show me at first, but it’s important to spring this shit on a guy first, HA! Let’s see how they really live. And I saw it.

From the outside the van looks terrifying, like, I probably shouldn’t go in. But it didn’t scream sexual assault to me. I had my location services on so I went in. This van looked like an old Ford Transit van from the 90s. The wheels were so small they look like they are about to pop off. He unlocked the side door and slid it open, a curtain blew out. He moved it to the side and propped his snake plant on the step to his van. I was ready for him to throw down a welcome mat. 

I sat in his van for five minutes as he showed me around; by show me around I mean we sat on a tiny bench beside his tiny bed and he pointed out the way he lived. I tried to draw it for you.

The dude built a shower in there…it was pretty impressive but also wildly dangerous because it was right beside the stove…? Anyways, he told me that he got robbed once so he put a motion sensor in his van to film people. Before we left the van he said, we should take a selfie. It is kinda terrifying because it was dark when he took the photo and when he sent it to me you could tell he took some creative liberties.

Terrifying.

After the tour of the van he walked me back to my home, even though I tried to ditch him a few times. I am still nervous about people knowing where I live. He seems harmless but could also have stalker tendencies, you never know. If this dude actually lives out of his van, then he could literally park down the street and hang out all the time. 

Anyways, as we said goodbye we went to do the ciao, kiss kiss, and actually kissed. It was a quickie…and then I thought, maybe he kisses like my ex too? I find out…is was a nice kiss, no sparks . Whereas my ex, even though I wasn’t that into him at first, when we kissed, it was electric.

All in all…it was a nice date. Honestly I was curious about this guy, even though I knew it was not a match. I know, I know, I should have cut it off then, right? WRONG! After a few days of texting back and forth, I ended up going on a second date with him. I had so many questions, like, are you really homeless? 

He is. He clarified what he meant by having two residences saying that he housesits all over Portugal and lives out of his van. Okay I was correct, he wasn’t being fully transparent. This is an example of me ignoring a red flag. 

When he picked me up for the second date he brought me a gift of gluten free cookies and a wrapped gift. Very thoughtful. I unwrapped the gift and it was a kids book in Portuguese to help me learn the language, it was very sweet and generous. The book is called: The Little Prince but it is in Portuguese it’s translated to ‘O Principezinho’. It’s the second most printed book in history next to the Bible!

Thestory follows a young prince who visits various planets, including Earth, and addresses themes of loneliness, friendship, love, and loss. Despite its style as a children's book, The Little Prince makes observations about life, adults, and human nature. 

We drove (in a car that he borrowed from his friend) to Fonte da Telha and had dinner at Casa do Sol. We sat next to the beach and enjoyed the view of the fishermen bringing in their nets for the day. It was very entertaining. He was telling me how much he loved living from his van and the freedom he gets. He can go on his computer during the day and have a view of the beach. His lunch break is him tanning and eating lunch at any beach club he wants. I got to give it to him, he was really romanticizing his life. 

Then he joked that the van is a one person apartment and I said, how are you ever supposed to live with someone then? I could see his body language change. He said that he was saving his money for farmland in Portugal and that in a few years he can buy it in cash. That is commendable. But ya girl doesn’t date potential or promises. I could never truly be with this guy. I am starting to feel bad.

As we get the bill he pulls out his plastic green wallet with a velcro strap and pays, I thank him for dinner and he says, “you get the next one?” And then I don’t feel bad anymore. I say, ‘maybe coffee’. I am annoyed. We walk back to his friend’s car and I am thinking to myself this is a nightmare situation and no level of curiosity is worth this. 

As we get closer to my place he randomly brings up the mirror that I had got that day and asks me how I managed to get it back home. He started to park and I tell him, oh you can’t park here. And he says, “where am I supposed to park? I want to come see your mirror”. I snort and say, “umm you’re not invited”. The audacity. Then I follow up with, “I don't have a parking spot, there is no parking around here”. Which is true. 

He is disappointed. I thank him for the gifts, give him a quick kiss on the cheek, and hop out. I feel like I need a shower. I need to clear my head. This date was not worth it ‘for the blog’. As I am in the shower I am thinking about all the things he said to me. He told me that he was nearly cancelled because of a crazy ex. She claimed that he had stolen money from her…and as much as I know there are crazy women out there, when I hear a story like that, I immediately believe the woman. C’mon dude.  

I hate to say it but I think this guy would one hundred percent try and move in with me. It would be one of those things where he would show up with acts of service or random gifts and assume that he was sleeping over…until eventually he never leaves. Maybe this dude gets into relationships so he has a place to live. The ultimate mooch. I dunno I am making things up. But it’s not far fetched. 

A few days later he texted and asked if I wanted to make dinner plans. I texted: ‘On our last date you asked me to buy you dinner next time. So I hope this isn't that time lol.’ 

He said: ‘I hope you don't go out for dinner with me just because I pay for dinner.” 

I said “I don’t waste my precious time with people I am not interested in. But that being said, I am not interested in anything romantic with you at this time. I am happy to be your friend but I think I need to reevaluate what I want from these apps”.

He wrote something back that was very sweet but no. Weeks later he remembered my birthday and wished me a good one. He was a very sweet guy and I am sure he would have been a very generous lover, lol, but ultimately I am looking for ALL of my boxes to be ticked…not just one.